Working The 12 Steps - Getting to STEP 1

Before beginning to consider working the 12 Steps, I had to work through denial patterns I created to shield me from my pain and low self esteem. Here are just a few creations I used to deny my codependency:



"I come from a perfect two parent nuclear home."



Actually there isn't a perfect home. In fact, our family has dysfunction in it. (That's still hard to admit. This was HUGE for me. Remember Codependents are very loyal - to a fault. Identifying our family's dysfunction doesn't mean I don't love and respect my parents - it's just accepting they are flawed human beings. Remember, it's important to me that I love and obey my parents. Isn't that one of the 10 Commandments? See, Codependents tend to use distorted religious beliefs to justify their behaviors. I'm not being mean when I point out the dysfunction in our family. I'm not blaming. I'm being honest. It's okay to be honest.)



"Helping my husband even when he's choosing to engage in immoral and illegal behaviors is being a loving and supportive wife."



This is another distorted belief. Shielding him from the repercussions of his own choices and behaviors doesn't help him. In fact, it makes it worse. I genuinely wanted to help but I also wanted to "make him" happy. It makes me feel better about myself - like I can accomplish something. I'm just sadly feeding my low self esteem. I also wanted his praise for "fixing" his life. I'm desperate for praise. I thought he would love me forever for "fixing" his life. Really he should love me just for being me. I deserve unconditional love. I don't have to do something grand like "fix" a troubled man. In fact, I can't "fix" anyone. It doesn't work. It only makes him angry and only encourages worse behavior. That's controlling behavior and that's not right. I should have given him room to conquer his own problems and focus on my own. I choose to be involved with people I think are worse off than I am so maybe I don't feel that bad about my own life. In a way, by helping them, I'm really attempting to help myself. I'm forgiving and gentle with myself over this. I didn't know. I was only trying to distract myself from my own pain. I used to be his cheerleader and now I realize I have to be my own.



"I'm not Codependent. That's impossible. There's no clear definition of codependency, anyway."



Almost every definition of codependency relates to me in some way. I define it as care taking to the point where one behaves irrationally and totally disregards one's own health both physically and emotionally. It's compulsive behavior when one engulfs herself in someone else's problems or defects to mask her own low self esteem. It's an attempt to feel superior over someone else who is worse off than she sees herself. This develps from childhoods with dysfunctional families. Codependents want to focus on the downtrodden, the underdogs of the world. That's a good characteristic but codependents like myself lack balance -the ability to create healthy boundaries. Sometimes it goes too far - to the point of irrational and destructive behavior. Codependents often fail to acknowledge God's unconditional love for us even with all of our flaws. We don't live our lives acknowleging God wants us to be happy. This leads me to the First Step.




1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.



I admit I am powerless over others and my life definitely had become unmanageable. My compulsive behavior drove me to behave irrationally and it has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. I've fallen on the sword. I can't correct this behavior myself through denial or finding someone else to try to make myself feel better about myself. In order to behave in a healthy manner, I must acknowledge that my life has become unmanageable. I drop on my knees and look to God.