I'm Codependent? I was shocked!

The first time I heard the word "codependency" was on the telephone with representative from a domestic abuse hot line that I telephoned. I was arguing with her on how unfair the police department was for pressing charges against my husband who choked me, threw me over a couch and scratched my face. I dialed 911 to make him calm down not to throw him in jail without my consent. I explained how my husband had a horrific childhood with a drug abusing mother and this was why he doesn't know right from wrong about a lot of things including knowing choking your wife is morally wrong and illegal. He needs love not incarceration. Our children love and need him. He loves and needs me.

She then asked me a few questions that will stay with me forever. She asked me, "Did you bail him out of jail?" The answer was "yes" (I frantically borrowed money from my sister.) When is the last time you did something for yourself like take a yoga class [how did she know I love yoga?!!] or dance class? This one brought tears to my eyes because it had been many years.
I explained to her I spend most of my time and energy keeping him calm. She asked me how long I thought I could maintain that. I couldn't answer that one because I knew I was SO tired and eventually something would have to give. Then she said she hoped that something wasn't my life. At that point she asked me if I've ever heard of "codependency." I hadn't. She said she would send literature to me to read. She did and I was SHOCKED and still am.

I was forced to acknowledge that nearly every answer to the question check list was yes but I refused to believe I could be codependent because my parents are not alcoholics or drug addicts. In fact, I had a great childhood. My parents have been married for nearly 50 years. My father is a distinguished professor with a PhD and my mother worked at the World Bank with its great benefits for 30 years as an Administrator. I have 2 wonderful sisters whom I've very close with. We all graduated from college. My older sister graduated from a ivy league university. None of us are drug abusers. None of us have been arrested for any crime whatsoever. None of us went through teen pregnancies. Each of us got married before we had children. My father never beat or cursed my mother ever! They never argued in front of us. We went to private schools. As an immigrant family we had the privilege of traveling a lot as a family. We had a stable home in a nice area with no crime. We had a cat for 13 years. We were raised Catholic. My Aunt is a nun for heaven's sake. We went to private schools. We have morals. Our home was loving and stable. How in the world could I end up being a "battered wife" and/or "codependent?"

I was referred to a therapist who I explained all this to. She called me a classic "battered wife" and a poster girl for "codependency." I was infuriated. I'm codependent because I love and support my husband unconditionally? What's wrong with care taking anyway? I'm a Christian woman. I was taught to help those in need - especially my husband! Yes, my vows are important to me. My husband has a lot of problems as a result of a difficult childhood. He needs me to help him take care of himself and YES, he can't take care of himself.

My doctor recommended I read "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. I bought the audio book and listened. I was shocked. I laughed at parts because I thought it was so absurd and cried at parts because I knew this was all about me.

In response to my initial thoughts about being labeled codependent the book stated codependent people tend to be defensive about their childhood upbringing. Codependent people convince themselves loved ones around them cannot take care of themselves. Codependent people surround themselves with needy people that feed their low self esteem. Codependent people neglect themselves and are very tired of obsessive care taking. It's care taking to the point of irrational behavior like bailing out a grown man who is in jail for choking his wife - shielding him from experiencing consequences for his own illegal behavior.

Like I said, I was shocked and it was only the beginning.