Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Working The 12 Steps - Getting to STEP 1
Before beginning to consider working the 12 Steps, I had to work through denial patterns I created to shield me from my pain and low self esteem. Here are just a few creations I used to deny my codependency:
"I come from a perfect two parent nuclear home."
Actually there isn't a perfect home. In fact, our family has dysfunction in it. (That's still hard to admit. This was HUGE for me. Remember Codependents are very loyal - to a fault. Identifying our family's dysfunction doesn't mean I don't love and respect my parents - it's just accepting they are flawed human beings. Remember, it's important to me that I love and obey my parents. Isn't that one of the 10 Commandments? See, Codependents tend to use distorted religious beliefs to justify their behaviors. I'm not being mean when I point out the dysfunction in our family. I'm not blaming. I'm being honest. It's okay to be honest.)
"Helping my husband even when he's choosing to engage in immoral and illegal behaviors is being a loving and supportive wife."
This is another distorted belief. Shielding him from the repercussions of his own choices and behaviors doesn't help him. In fact, it makes it worse. I genuinely wanted to help but I also wanted to "make him" happy. It makes me feel better about myself - like I can accomplish something. I'm just sadly feeding my low self esteem. I also wanted his praise for "fixing" his life. I'm desperate for praise. I thought he would love me forever for "fixing" his life. Really he should love me just for being me. I deserve unconditional love. I don't have to do something grand like "fix" a troubled man. In fact, I can't "fix" anyone. It doesn't work. It only makes him angry and only encourages worse behavior. That's controlling behavior and that's not right. I should have given him room to conquer his own problems and focus on my own. I choose to be involved with people I think are worse off than I am so maybe I don't feel that bad about my own life. In a way, by helping them, I'm really attempting to help myself. I'm forgiving and gentle with myself over this. I didn't know. I was only trying to distract myself from my own pain. I used to be his cheerleader and now I realize I have to be my own.
"I'm not Codependent. That's impossible. There's no clear definition of codependency, anyway."
Almost every definition of codependency relates to me in some way. I define it as care taking to the point where one behaves irrationally and totally disregards one's own health both physically and emotionally. It's compulsive behavior when one engulfs herself in someone else's problems or defects to mask her own low self esteem. It's an attempt to feel superior over someone else who is worse off than she sees herself. This develps from childhoods with dysfunctional families. Codependents want to focus on the downtrodden, the underdogs of the world. That's a good characteristic but codependents like myself lack balance -the ability to create healthy boundaries. Sometimes it goes too far - to the point of irrational and destructive behavior. Codependents often fail to acknowledge God's unconditional love for us even with all of our flaws. We don't live our lives acknowleging God wants us to be happy. This leads me to the First Step.
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
I admit I am powerless over others and my life definitely had become unmanageable. My compulsive behavior drove me to behave irrationally and it has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. I've fallen on the sword. I can't correct this behavior myself through denial or finding someone else to try to make myself feel better about myself. In order to behave in a healthy manner, I must acknowledge that my life has become unmanageable. I drop on my knees and look to God.
"I come from a perfect two parent nuclear home."
Actually there isn't a perfect home. In fact, our family has dysfunction in it. (That's still hard to admit. This was HUGE for me. Remember Codependents are very loyal - to a fault. Identifying our family's dysfunction doesn't mean I don't love and respect my parents - it's just accepting they are flawed human beings. Remember, it's important to me that I love and obey my parents. Isn't that one of the 10 Commandments? See, Codependents tend to use distorted religious beliefs to justify their behaviors. I'm not being mean when I point out the dysfunction in our family. I'm not blaming. I'm being honest. It's okay to be honest.)
"Helping my husband even when he's choosing to engage in immoral and illegal behaviors is being a loving and supportive wife."
This is another distorted belief. Shielding him from the repercussions of his own choices and behaviors doesn't help him. In fact, it makes it worse. I genuinely wanted to help but I also wanted to "make him" happy. It makes me feel better about myself - like I can accomplish something. I'm just sadly feeding my low self esteem. I also wanted his praise for "fixing" his life. I'm desperate for praise. I thought he would love me forever for "fixing" his life. Really he should love me just for being me. I deserve unconditional love. I don't have to do something grand like "fix" a troubled man. In fact, I can't "fix" anyone. It doesn't work. It only makes him angry and only encourages worse behavior. That's controlling behavior and that's not right. I should have given him room to conquer his own problems and focus on my own. I choose to be involved with people I think are worse off than I am so maybe I don't feel that bad about my own life. In a way, by helping them, I'm really attempting to help myself. I'm forgiving and gentle with myself over this. I didn't know. I was only trying to distract myself from my own pain. I used to be his cheerleader and now I realize I have to be my own.
"I'm not Codependent. That's impossible. There's no clear definition of codependency, anyway."
Almost every definition of codependency relates to me in some way. I define it as care taking to the point where one behaves irrationally and totally disregards one's own health both physically and emotionally. It's compulsive behavior when one engulfs herself in someone else's problems or defects to mask her own low self esteem. It's an attempt to feel superior over someone else who is worse off than she sees herself. This develps from childhoods with dysfunctional families. Codependents want to focus on the downtrodden, the underdogs of the world. That's a good characteristic but codependents like myself lack balance -the ability to create healthy boundaries. Sometimes it goes too far - to the point of irrational and destructive behavior. Codependents often fail to acknowledge God's unconditional love for us even with all of our flaws. We don't live our lives acknowleging God wants us to be happy. This leads me to the First Step.
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
I admit I am powerless over others and my life definitely had become unmanageable. My compulsive behavior drove me to behave irrationally and it has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. I've fallen on the sword. I can't correct this behavior myself through denial or finding someone else to try to make myself feel better about myself. In order to behave in a healthy manner, I must acknowledge that my life has become unmanageable. I drop on my knees and look to God.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Focusing on me
"Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Matthew 7:3
I'm thinking about this line in scripture and attempting to apply it to my life. I have spent over 13 years worrying about my husband. Why? Why? Why?
My husband once told me, "it is what it is." I can't spend my life starring into the speck in his eyes and ignore the log in my own. Instead, I'm working on answers to questions I CAN find answers to that concern my own behavior.
I know now the answers all lie within why I'm codependent.
I'm thinking about this line in scripture and attempting to apply it to my life. I have spent over 13 years worrying about my husband. Why? Why? Why?
My husband once told me, "it is what it is." I can't spend my life starring into the speck in his eyes and ignore the log in my own. Instead, I'm working on answers to questions I CAN find answers to that concern my own behavior.
I know now the answers all lie within why I'm codependent.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I'm Codependent? I was shocked!
The first time I heard the word "codependency" was on the telephone with representative from a domestic abuse hot line that I telephoned. I was arguing with her on how unfair the police department was for pressing charges against my husband who choked me, threw me over a couch and scratched my face. I dialed 911 to make him calm down not to throw him in jail without my consent. I explained how my husband had a horrific childhood with a drug abusing mother and this was why he doesn't know right from wrong about a lot of things including knowing choking your wife is morally wrong and illegal. He needs love not incarceration. Our children love and need him. He loves and needs me.
She then asked me a few questions that will stay with me forever. She asked me, "Did you bail him out of jail?" The answer was "yes" (I frantically borrowed money from my sister.) When is the last time you did something for yourself like take a yoga class [how did she know I love yoga?!!] or dance class? This one brought tears to my eyes because it had been many years.
I explained to her I spend most of my time and energy keeping him calm. She asked me how long I thought I could maintain that. I couldn't answer that one because I knew I was SO tired and eventually something would have to give. Then she said she hoped that something wasn't my life. At that point she asked me if I've ever heard of "codependency." I hadn't. She said she would send literature to me to read. She did and I was SHOCKED and still am.
I was forced to acknowledge that nearly every answer to the question check list was yes but I refused to believe I could be codependent because my parents are not alcoholics or drug addicts. In fact, I had a great childhood. My parents have been married for nearly 50 years. My father is a distinguished professor with a PhD and my mother worked at the World Bank with its great benefits for 30 years as an Administrator. I have 2 wonderful sisters whom I've very close with. We all graduated from college. My older sister graduated from a ivy league university. None of us are drug abusers. None of us have been arrested for any crime whatsoever. None of us went through teen pregnancies. Each of us got married before we had children. My father never beat or cursed my mother ever! They never argued in front of us. We went to private schools. As an immigrant family we had the privilege of traveling a lot as a family. We had a stable home in a nice area with no crime. We had a cat for 13 years. We were raised Catholic. My Aunt is a nun for heaven's sake. We went to private schools. We have morals. Our home was loving and stable. How in the world could I end up being a "battered wife" and/or "codependent?"
I was referred to a therapist who I explained all this to. She called me a classic "battered wife" and a poster girl for "codependency." I was infuriated. I'm codependent because I love and support my husband unconditionally? What's wrong with care taking anyway? I'm a Christian woman. I was taught to help those in need - especially my husband! Yes, my vows are important to me. My husband has a lot of problems as a result of a difficult childhood. He needs me to help him take care of himself and YES, he can't take care of himself.
My doctor recommended I read "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. I bought the audio book and listened. I was shocked. I laughed at parts because I thought it was so absurd and cried at parts because I knew this was all about me.
In response to my initial thoughts about being labeled codependent the book stated codependent people tend to be defensive about their childhood upbringing. Codependent people convince themselves loved ones around them cannot take care of themselves. Codependent people surround themselves with needy people that feed their low self esteem. Codependent people neglect themselves and are very tired of obsessive care taking. It's care taking to the point of irrational behavior like bailing out a grown man who is in jail for choking his wife - shielding him from experiencing consequences for his own illegal behavior.
Like I said, I was shocked and it was only the beginning.
She then asked me a few questions that will stay with me forever. She asked me, "Did you bail him out of jail?" The answer was "yes" (I frantically borrowed money from my sister.) When is the last time you did something for yourself like take a yoga class [how did she know I love yoga?!!] or dance class? This one brought tears to my eyes because it had been many years.
I explained to her I spend most of my time and energy keeping him calm. She asked me how long I thought I could maintain that. I couldn't answer that one because I knew I was SO tired and eventually something would have to give. Then she said she hoped that something wasn't my life. At that point she asked me if I've ever heard of "codependency." I hadn't. She said she would send literature to me to read. She did and I was SHOCKED and still am.
I was forced to acknowledge that nearly every answer to the question check list was yes but I refused to believe I could be codependent because my parents are not alcoholics or drug addicts. In fact, I had a great childhood. My parents have been married for nearly 50 years. My father is a distinguished professor with a PhD and my mother worked at the World Bank with its great benefits for 30 years as an Administrator. I have 2 wonderful sisters whom I've very close with. We all graduated from college. My older sister graduated from a ivy league university. None of us are drug abusers. None of us have been arrested for any crime whatsoever. None of us went through teen pregnancies. Each of us got married before we had children. My father never beat or cursed my mother ever! They never argued in front of us. We went to private schools. As an immigrant family we had the privilege of traveling a lot as a family. We had a stable home in a nice area with no crime. We had a cat for 13 years. We were raised Catholic. My Aunt is a nun for heaven's sake. We went to private schools. We have morals. Our home was loving and stable. How in the world could I end up being a "battered wife" and/or "codependent?"
I was referred to a therapist who I explained all this to. She called me a classic "battered wife" and a poster girl for "codependency." I was infuriated. I'm codependent because I love and support my husband unconditionally? What's wrong with care taking anyway? I'm a Christian woman. I was taught to help those in need - especially my husband! Yes, my vows are important to me. My husband has a lot of problems as a result of a difficult childhood. He needs me to help him take care of himself and YES, he can't take care of himself.
My doctor recommended I read "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. I bought the audio book and listened. I was shocked. I laughed at parts because I thought it was so absurd and cried at parts because I knew this was all about me.
In response to my initial thoughts about being labeled codependent the book stated codependent people tend to be defensive about their childhood upbringing. Codependent people convince themselves loved ones around them cannot take care of themselves. Codependent people surround themselves with needy people that feed their low self esteem. Codependent people neglect themselves and are very tired of obsessive care taking. It's care taking to the point of irrational behavior like bailing out a grown man who is in jail for choking his wife - shielding him from experiencing consequences for his own illegal behavior.
Like I said, I was shocked and it was only the beginning.
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